Time and loss

Where did 2020 go? Well, we all know… it didn’t go anywhere, or, to be more precise, we didn’t go anywhere. It feels like 2020 slipped through my hands like a pit of jack fruit – the difference is: I don’t like jack fruit, but I love watching the time go by and looking back at what I’ve done with mine. 

Then 2021 came, and just like the blink of an eye, it’s almost gone. As fast as a sneeze, 10 months have gone by and once again I missed, for the second year in a row, this blog’s anniversary.

The 5th went by without a note not because I forgot it, but because I was ran over by time and loss.

The loss of a very much loved one.

There are two things we can be certain in life. One is that time will pass. It won’t stop. It never stops. 

We can run after time and try to catch up, but it keeps passing, and getting behind us, no matter what.

The second is that people we love will die. Nobody lives forever and one day, when you least expect, that loved one takes that turn on the road of time and never come back.

Still, we keep fighting time and pretending losses won’t happen. Until they do, and we find ourselves dealing with the weirdly unique mix of emotions like love, gratitude, sadness, and saudade.

How do we prepare ourselves for the passing of time and the absence of those who walked us through it? We don’t. Even when we think we do, there are always life aspects that surprise us, mesmerize us, terrify us, and despite everything we keep on living. We do that because we want to know what’s next, we want to decipher the uncertainties that lay ahead of us. Consciously or not we keep seeking answers for the things we don’t know, for the mysteries of life – of time and loss.

During the past year and a half, the idea of embracing uncertainty escalated to a whole new level. Those who love planning felt incredibly lost; those who hate it felt lost too: how one ‘does not plan’ what’s ‘impossible to plan’? Even though I’m pretty accepting of the unknown, this period showed me how hard it is to just be, observe, contemplate and wait.

While waiting, time slapped me in the face and took something away from me. Someone that won’t come back.

Just like time.

You can’t stop time, but you can freeze it. 35mm film. Developed in 2021; photo taken in 2006, somewhere between France and Spain – possibly Carcassone (FR).

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